Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
