i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize