grandma shit on top of the toilet
I could make wine with my vomit
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
i think my cat just said my name.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
