I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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