Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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