we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
