Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
