I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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