I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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