so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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