I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
