Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
