dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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