i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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