this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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