wrigley field is MILF paradise
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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