Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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