Can Purell be used as lube?
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize