Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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