I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
They took my balls.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
