Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
