Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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