did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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