"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
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