When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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