i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
