I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
you had me at cake vodka
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
