So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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