Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
try to milk me bitch
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