im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
