just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
worst night to have a conscience
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
