I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Can I color on your dick again?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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