i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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