Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Randomize
