I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I still have a little drunk in my system
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
