I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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