what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
