Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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