I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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