There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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