That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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