They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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