Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
