My first STD was from a foam party
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
