This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
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