i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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