wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
