the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
