Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize