listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
