I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
So many bounce houses so little time
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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