i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize