Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
you didnt know i had herpes?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Randomize