Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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