so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
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