I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
