Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
